Dehatterfying the Mad Hatter
by Loyal Subject
Summary: Alice is musing herself with her own pleasant thoughts until she begins to wonder why the Mad Hatter's hat is so incredibly large. What could he possibly be keeping under there? A silly one-shot somewhat inspired by WCMI. Slight Alice x Hatter.


_Hello, everyone. Well, I've written another story from the land of wonder. This idea came to me after watching a whole bunch of videos from Disneyland. In particular, the video "What happens when his hat comes off?" posted by MadHattress330 on Youtube. It really is a funny video, I recommend watching it if you are a Hatter fan. So, in this respect, it is sort of "When Curiosity Met Insanity" inspired. However, I kept the story in the novel section as opposed to the movie section because I still have references to the novel out of habit such as Hatter being called "Hatter" instead of "Mad Hatter". Anyway, I also thought about the episode where Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto attempt to find out what is behind Kakashi's mask in the anime Naruto. I easily see that episode as the best filler for the show. _

_Well, enjoy this story, reviews are always welcomed, and constructive criticism is encouraged. Really, I would like to know how well I did with Hatter. It was VERY difficult to keep Bri-chan's Hatter in character considering he is extremely different from my own version of the character. So I would like to know how I did in that respect. With that being said, this has nothing to do with "Curiouser and Curiouser With You", my other Hatter x Alice story. Enjoy =D  
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Dehatterfying the Mad Hatter**

It was a golden afternoon as Alice stared forward, her eyes not focusing on anything in particular at the moment. Her fair hair was tucked behind her ears so that it would not accidentally drop into the cup of tea that rested just below her though by this time the tea was nearly gone and the cup was quite dirty. She suspected they would be changing places rather soon: something she hoped would occur a bit faster for her current position forced the sun directly into her eyes. Because of this, Alice found it difficult to see what sort of madness the March Hare, Hatter, and the Dormouse were currently involved in as she sat at the head of the overly large table situated in the March Hare's garden. Despite this difficulty, Alice preferred to be a good distance away from the party as she was now. The dirty china and silverware were the only, yet effective, shield from the madness that was currently ensuing.

The Dormouse was asleep as always, his dreams carrying him to nonsensical adventures deep in a well where three girls were surrounded by treacle. In between squints, Alice noticed Hatter and the March Hare were hard at work on one of their many "experiments" that often involved tea one way or another. Of course, the two were much too far away for Alice to be able to make out exactly _what _new concoction they were in the process of creating. However, had she been able to witness the account, she would have been staring at a plate that was now beginning to crack with a piece of cake on top. A clock was conveniently shoved within the desert's center completely covered in butter and jam. The March Hare was coating the strange new creation with honey while at the same time Hatter poured some tea on it. They were lucky Alice was not able to see exactly what they were doing otherwise she would have been reprimanding the two while at the same time adding subtle insults.

"It's alive!" Hatter exclaimed as the gizmos within the clock were beginning to spring out, demanding freedom, causing the cake to appear as though it possessed a mind of its own for a brief moment. Hatter's sudden exclamation sent Alice jumping out of her seat, not out of fear but out of curiosity and utter annoyance. Seeing Alice rise from her purpe cushioned chair, Hatter threw his arms wildly in the air, exclaiming "Change places!"

"Change places!" the March Hare repeated as he practically shoved the Dormouse along. With the Dormouse being so small and the March Hare's force being so great, this action nearly injured the poor creature or, at the very least, almost sent him flying across the table. However, the March Hare _did _manage to put the Dormouse in his proper new place at the table and once the March Hare's action was complete, the Dormouse slipped into another slumber, showing no signs of being bothered by what had just occurred.

While the Dormouse's eyes were drooping as he passed into the deep, almost never-ending void of sleep, Alice moved to her right so that sun was shining on her back. Her rotation did not seem to make much sense for to her right was where Hatter had been currently sitting while Hatter and the March Hare literally walked around the table so that they were now on Alice's left. Then again, their methods were mad and Alice was forced to comply with such madness. Although it was nice to be out of the sun, Alice was a bit disappointed that she would now be forced to sit so close to the March Hare, the Dormouse, and Hatter. Luckily, the Dormouse was a decent barrier to separate herself from the March Hare and Hatter.

In order to hopefully save herself from the madness that would no doubt begin to ensue at any moment, Alice divulged to her thoughts once again. She fixated on the March Hare clad in a scarlet coat with brown pants, complete with an orange bow tie. Alice could not help but to think the March Hare required someone, a maid perhaps, to pick out his clothes for him for they did not match at all. However, she reasoned, his bright yellow hair (or was it hay on top of his head?) would distract anyone from noticing the clash of colors that decorated the March Hare's body. Besides, Hatter's clothes were no better: large green shoes, green pants, an overly large orange jacket, a blue bowtie, and that ridiculous green hat with a card reading "For this style 10/6" nestled behind the blue brim.

Alice stared at his unusually large, round nose surrounded by freckles; his white hair resting just passed his ears. Alice's original train of thought began to briefly run on another track as she wondered why Hatter's hair was so unusually white. He certainly was not old enough to have such white hair. Perhaps the coloring was due to his constant hat making for her sister often told her hatters were mad because they made so many hats. Something to do with mercury she believed. Or perhaps her sister had said Venus? It was one of the planets was all Alice knew. If hat making could cause a person to go mad, perhaps it could change their hair color too.

Speaking of hats-or, at least, _thinking _of hats-then there was the ever present green hat covering the top of Hatter's head. Why Hatter required such a large hat, Alice never knew. What was the purpose, she wondered. Perhaps he simply enjoyed wearing large headwear. However, such a solution seemed much too simple in the mind of the twelve year old. No, no, it appeared more likely that Hatter was hiding something _under _his unusually large top hat.

"But what sort of thing could you hide under there?" Alice mused in the corners of her mind. Knowing Hatter, it was most likely a teacup or a teapot...something to do with tea. Then again, that would mean he would have to balance such delicate china on his head all day. Was Hatter capable of such a feat? She had read books of women in Africa who could balance large pottery on their heads but it did not seem likely Hatter could accomplish such a task. After all, he was rather clumsy at times.

Or suppose he was hiding something of value to him beneath it? A pocket watch perhaps? But Hatter seemed to already have a pocket watch that constantly needed repair for one reason or another. Unless of course he kept a spare pocket watch. Unfortunately, Alice deemed this theory highly unlikely since if there were another watch below his hat, Hatter would have undoubtedly broken it by now.

Alice was becoming so curious in such a short amount of time, conjuring theories here and there, she wondered if she ought to ask Hatter directly.

"Oh but that simply wouldn't do," Alice told herself as that was much too rude of a question to inquire. So instead, Alice was forced to contain the current pondering in her mind.

"Alice?" Hatter inquired as he was pouring Alice a cup of tea. Alice snapped out of her little daze and stared up at the man with the mysterious hat.

"Yes?" Alice returned as her peripheral vision caught the other guests at the mad tea party. The March Hare was also staring at her with a puzzled expression present upon his face. Alice did not even bother to sneak a peak at the Dormouse for she knew he was probably asleep (which he was).

"I was just wondering why you were staring at me for so long. I know it's hard to hear this but you _do _know you're only twelve right?" Hatter replied coyly, a smirk slowly appearing on his face. However, as Hatter had said, Alice was only twelve and did not fully understand what he was hinting at. Seeing Alice's confused expression, Hatter continued, "I'm afraid you're a bit too young for me. But maybe if you give it a couple of years, I might reconsider." Alice felt her face turn pink at Hatter's comment out of embarrassment. However, her eyes quickly became fierce in an attempt of self defense against her current humiliation.

"That is no way to speak to a girl!" Alice retorted, her temper flying. And she had thought her own question was impolite! Such an impolite, imbecile Hatter was; a complete and utter lunatic who possessed the manners of a monkey!

"No need to become so offended: I was merely humoring you Alice," Hatter replied, slightly irritated that she would take something so seriously. He could not possibly imagine what tea parties were like in England with her. They must have been the most boring of tea parties.

"That wasn't the best joke, I'm afraid," the March Hare muttered under his breath, sympathizing with Alice as she folded her arms across her chest in a huff. "Enough of this! Pour me some tea Hatter!" the March Hare stated a little too loudly as he waved his empty cup in Hatter's face. Hatter became distracted by this, much to Alice's liking, and proceeded to pour the March Hare a fresh cup of tea. However, only a drop of tea fell out of the teapot and into the March Hare's cup. Hatter frowned at the teapot and shook it a bit, thinking perhaps it was clogged by a piece of bread or some other treat. Yet, all of Hatter's shaking was in vain as nothing came out of the teapot.

"What is the matter with this thing?" Hatter questioned as he peered into the spout.

"We're probably out of tea," Alice suggested rather timidly, still looming over the previous conversation. However, Hatter was much past such things and was more concerned with the mysterious disappearance of his tea.

"Out of tea? Nonsense! It's only just six o'clock," Hatter protested. For, he could not fathom that eventually the party would inevitably run out of such supply as though there was a never-ending void of the tea he loved so much.

"It's been six o'clock for about three hours now," Alice replied, reminded of the fact that it was _always _six o'clock for Hatter due to the "murder" of Time. "I'm surprised the tea has lasted _this _long."

"There is more tea inside," the March Hare chimed in, having learned by now he needed a very large supply of tea for each and every day.

"I shall go get some then," Hatter answered, relieved that there was more of the soothing liquid at their disposal. For, what would they possibly do with no tea? Why, he hadn't the slightest idea and was rather afraid to even consider such a possibility. "I will be back momentarily." With this proclamation, Hatter gingerly brought several teapots inside the March Hare's home with the intention of refilling every one and successfully bringing the entire set back to the overly large table. As Alice watched him depart, still irritated, she was reminded of her curiosity regarding Hatter's hat as it appeared to remain perfectly in tact despite his juggling.

"What do you suppose is under that hat?" Alice inquired passively, not realizing she had stated her question aloud.

"Hm? What hat?" the March Hare returned, tracing his finger along the rim of his empty tea cup, waiting for Hatter to return as soon as humanly possible with the tea. Of course, being a hare, he could have gotten it done much faster as speed ran through his veins. Yet, the March Hare would undoubtedly have to make a few trips for he simply could not be expected to carry all the teapots Hatter had managed.

"Why, Hatter's hat of course," Alice answered, perking up now that she was able to converse about the subject openly.

"He hasn't got anything under his hat," the March Hare replied passively as though this were a rather silly question.

"Well, have you ever seen Hatter take off his hat?" Alice asked thoughtfully.

"No..." the March Hare answered rather cautiously.

"Then how do you know there's nothing under there?" Alice continued. The March Hare opened his mouth as if about to speak however quickly closed it upon realizing he had no response to give. Feeling rather stumped, the March Hare rested his chin on his hand, thinking over what Alice had said. If Hatter had nothing to hide then surely he would be willing to take off his hat? Yet, he never _did _remove his hat, did he? Therefore, as Alice had theorized, there simply _must _be something under his hat!

"You are absolutely right!" the March exclaimed rather suddenly, banging on the table as his cup nearly fell to the ground. The Dormouse jolted upright for a moment as the noise rattled through his ears.

"You most certainly are," the Dormouse replied sleepily despite the fact he did not know what the current conversation was about before falling back to sleep.

"What do you think is under his hat?" Alice inquired, now excited that someone else was convinced there must be something under Hatter's hat. "Perhaps he keeps an animal of some kind," Alice added thoughtfully as she imagined Dinah possibly hiding under the hat, curled up in a ball on Hatter's head. How funny that would be, to have a cat or some other creature on top of one's head all day.

"Well it certainly isn't a hare or a rabbit for that matter," the March Hare added. He would be able to sense such things if it were so, being in the same family as rabbits and being a hare himself. At least, he believed his statement to be true. After all, being as mad as a March hare, there was no telling what was fact and what was pure nonsense with him.

"A squirrel possibly?" Alice offered.

"Definitely not: a mouse most likely."

"Or a Dormouse!" Alice teased. "Do you suppose it would be alive or dead? After all, wouldn't we have heard it by now if it were alive?" Though the question was rather morbid, Alice could not help but to venture to ask such a question as curiosity was getting the better of her.

"Dead, definitely dead," the March Hare returned. At this time the Dormouse was slightly awake, catching bits and pieces of the conversation. Unfortunately, his traveling in and out of slumber caused him to believe Hatter hid a dead Dormouse under his hat. He opened one of his eyes, seeking possible sanctuary. Quivering slightly, the Dormouse slowly began to make his way towards a teapot Hatter had left behind. While Alice and the March Hare continued to discuss the contents of Hatter's hat, the Dormouse slipped inside the teapot. There was a bit of residue at the bottom of the tea-provider but the Dormouse did not mind this one bit so long as he was hidden from Hatter. Oh, how could he not see this? A mass Dormouse murderer was right under his nose for as long as he could remember! And to think he had tea with this fellow, slept peacefully while a sinister man menaced over him! He simply had to find a means of escape or he would surely be Hatter's next victim!

I don't think he has an animal under there," Alice was saying, changing her theory once more. "I think he is balding and is hiding his missing hair under that ridiculous hat. Just like father's guests." Although it was very rude to mention her father's guests hiding their bald heads under a hat and occasionally reluctantly taking them off when entering the house, Alice could not help but to present some evidence for her hypothesis. After all, it would not be a very good hypothesis if there were no facts to support it.

"Well, it's obvious there is another portal to your world there. If you can transport through looking glasses and rabbit holes I don't see why you can't travel through Hatter's hat." The Dormouse, meanwhile, was much too frightened to say anything, let alone pay attention to the odd conversation; his heart thumping wildly as he remained hidden from the rest of the party.

"Why would I want to travel through his hat?" Alice inquired, loathing the idea.

"Well there is only one way to find out what is really there: we've got to dehatterfy him," the March Hare proclaimed triumphantly.

"Dehatterfy?" Alice questioned. Dehatterfy? She had never heard of such a thing and quite frankly, neither have I. Was it related to "defying" or "demideify"? Or perhaps it was in some relation to "butterfly".

"Yes! We simply remove his hat," the March Hare explained, realizing Alice did not understand what he was talking about.

"But he never takes his hat off," Alice countered.

"Then we take it by force," the March Hare insisted. One of his ears suddenly tilted slightly. He froze, staring at nothing particular; his eyes significantly wider than before. "Quiet now, here he comes," he stated suddenly. And, sure enough, Hatter was approaching the table, fumbling with an astronomical amount of tea in teapots of different shapes, sizes, and colors. Quite a bit of tea spilled onto the grass (the grass did not mind this of course and received the tea graciously) as Hatter juggled forward. The March Hare and Alice were silent, exchanging glances towards one another as Hatter began to set some of the china down gently while others came crashing onto the table. A few drops managed to make their way on Alice's face. She coolly wiped them away: managing to refrain from an explosive response.

"Well, if this tea doesn't get us through the rest of the party, I don't know what will," Hatter remarked, thinking he had brought forth an ample amount of tea when Alice knew full well this tea would only last a few hours at best (which would not lead to the end of the tea party). "Oh, I missed one," Hatter stated as he noticed the teapot where the Dormouse was hiding. The Dormouse's tiny heart beat frantically-even faster than before-, praying Hatter would not gaze into the pot. Hatter reached for the teapot lid for what seemed like an eternity to the Dormouse. Once the lid had been removed, the Dormouse nearly stopped breathing all together. Luckily, the Dormouse's prayer had been answered for Hatter merely poured some tea into the pot. The Dormouse struggled to stay afloat as the tea came crashing in on top of him; fortunately, the Dormouse was used to such abuse and managed to stay secure in the pot with tea surrounding him as Hatter closed the lid.

"I say Hatter, pour me some tea!" the March Hare stated, waving his teacup just as he had done before the previous discussion of Hatter's unusual hat.

"Why certainly," Hatter replied. While Hatter began to pour the tea for the March Hare, Alice propped herself up in her chair with her knees, leaning as closely to Hatter as possible. She quietly tried to gently pull Hatter's hat off while he was distracted. The March Hare stared at her action with anticipation. However, this provided to be a dead give away as Hatter turned around to see what the March Hare was staring at. Alice quickly removed her hands and sank back into her seat in order to give the appearance that she was not resting on her knees.

"Is something the matter?" Hatter inquired when he turned completely around but saw nothing except Alice acting queer as she sat on her knees.

"Nothing is the matter," Alice stated as innocently as plausible while the March Hare was attempting to slowly take off Hatter's hat. Of course, Hatter remained unconvinced by Alice's statement.

"Alice, if there's one thing I know, it's when you're lying," Hatter remarked as he frowned; his hand resting on the table.

"Well...I just...I," Alice replied, his intense stare causing her to fumble with her words. Despite her fumbling and pleading eyes, Hatter continued to press her for information. However, before she could crack, Alice saw Hatter fall forward for the March Hare had lost his balance while attempting to dehatterfy Hatter. This happened much too fast for Alice to move out of the way causing a domino effect consisting of the March Hare, Hatter, and Alice as they tumbled to the ground. Hearing the crash, the Dormouse timidly poked his head out of the teacup. The March Hare lay quite comfortably on top of Hatter who was struggling to keep himself from falling on top of Alice. Luckily for Hatter, while Alice felt _very _awkward being underneath him, this was not her greatest concern: for she was much too busy staring at his hat that _still _remained on top of his head despite the tumble! The March Hare was also fixated on the miraculous hat which could defy the laws of physics: so much so he did not even consider getting off of Hatter.

Of course, the oblivious Hatter found his position to be uncomfortable as well as extremely awkward. Because of this, he began to rise from his current position without even bothering to ask the March Hare if he would be so kind as to remove himself from Hatter's back. The March Hare hopped gracefully off Hatter just in the nick of time. Once Hatter reached his full height, the Dormouse hid his head back into the teacup, not wanting to reveal his location.

"What was _that _all about?" Hatter questioned his good friend the March Hare before turning back to Alice who was still on the ground. "And don't think I've forgotten about _you_." Seeing as Hatter was a good deal upset by all that had happened, Alice thought it was best to confess their intentions. For, as irritating as she found Hatter to be, she did not want to upset Hatter in any way even though she found the inhabitants of Wonderland to be easily offended (with Hatter being no exception).

"Why, we just want to know what is under your hat Hatter," Alice replied as timidly as possible. Hatter became rather confused by this, providing a puzzling expression as he stared from Alice to the March Hare and back to Alice.

"My hat?" Hatter questioned as he motioned towards it. To think people would be so easily fascinated by such a trivial part of his life.

"Yes, we know you've got something under there: don't try to hide it!" The March Hare exclaimed, pointing accusingly at him.

"But there's nothing under my hat," Hatter answered simply as though it were ridiculous to assume something was under his hat. Of course, the March Hare knew better than to accept his sly lie.

"Is it because you are bald?" Alice could not help but to question-even though this was a very rude thing to ask-as she arose from the ground.

"Nonsense! He's got a portal under there!"

"There is nothing under my hat I tell you!" Hatter insisted again. However, the March Hare was certainly not convinced and leaped towards Hatter in an attempt to grab his hat. Alice jumped in place, not expecting the March Hare to be so violent. Of course, she remembered it was indeed March and should have expected as much from him. The Dormouse once again peeped out from within the teapot in order to witness the scuffle. The March Hare had sent Hatter falling back onto the ground, the two struggling for control: Hatter desperately attempting to keep the March Hare's hands off his hat. But, the March Hare possessed the upper-hand, or foot I should say, as he kicked Hatter's hat off the top of his head with both feet, sending it flying across the lawn.

Alice, the Dormouse, and the March Hare held their breath as they stared at Hatter without his hat, attempting to soak in every detail. The March Hare even moved back so that he may get a better look at Hatter without his hat. Though there was not much to take in for the hat was clearly empty and all that remained on top of Hatter's head was the remainder of his white hair.

"There's nothing!" the Dormouse squeaked with enjoyment, suddenly at ease that there was no dead Dormouse to be found. How foolish he had been, to assume his dear friend Hatter was a mass murderer. He may have been many things-mad for one- and he may have abused the Dormouse on more than one occasion but he certainly would never kill him or any Dormouse for that matter.

"Of course there's nothing: that's what I told you!" Hatter exclaimed in irritation as he snatched his hat and placed it back upon his head.

"I'm terribly sorry Hatter," Alice said as Hatter got to his feet: though whether she was genuinely "terribly sorry" she was not entirely sure; she merely stated such since it was the proper thing to do.

"I am sorry for tackling you: I don't know what came over me!" the March Hare added, his ears folding down out of guilt. Hatter merely frowned at both their remarks as if pondering how to respond since he was still quite upset about the whole affair.

"Well, I suppose I can't blame you," Hatter sighed. "You are rather mad."

"Quite," Alice agreed.

"I was talking about _both _of you," Hatter returned.

"Mad as an Alice," the Dormouse remarked, now beginning to fall back into sleep, sinking back into the teapot. Alice folded her arms as a frown became present upon her face. She most certainly was _not _mad! However, she could not be _mad _for very long as she was relieved all was well again.

"This calls for a celebration!" the March Hare remarked, taking a teacup off the table and raising it in the air. "To our undeniable madness!"

"Here, here!" Alice replied despite her personal discrepancy.

"A celebration such as this deserves a bit something extra, don't you think?" Hatter inquired as he momentarily removed his hat in order to pull out a chocolate cake filled with candles. The March Hare and Alice stopped dead as they stared at Hatter with wonderment. "What's the matter?" Hatter asked, not sure what the fuss was all about.

"You said there was nothing under your hat!" Alice blurted out. How was this possible? This defied the laws of...of everything!

"Yes: there was nothing under my hat _at the time_," Hatter explained as-a-matter-of-factly. Alice and the March Hare stared at each other in utter bewilderment. Before Hatter had time to say anything more in response to their expressions, the March Hare tackled him once more in an attempt to see what else lied in the portal within Hatter's hat.

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_I have always wondered why Hatter's hair is white in the Disney version. I only came to this conclusion after Johnny Depp stated the new Hatter has orange hair due to mercury poisoning. So, it appeared to make sense...._

_I will only put references to the book if people request it. Most of the references I used in "Curiouser and Curiouser With You" are also in this story with the exception of the story's beginning referring to the first poem in the novel. _

_Thank you for reading =D.  
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